If you are searching for the perfect pastor for your perfect church here are some great suggestions.

The Perfect Pastor preaches exactly 10 minutes. He condemns sin roundly, but never hurts anyone’s feelings.

He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also the church janitor.

The Perfect Pastor has a burning desire to work with teenagers, and he spends most of his time with the senior citizens.

He smiles all the time with a straight face because he has a sense of humor that keeps him seriously dedicated to his church.

He makes 15 home visits a day and is always in his office to be handy when needed.

via Bounce on GIPHY

Still not satisfied!

Maybe you can select from the list of candidates below along with confidential reports about their character.

• Abraham

Though the references reported wife-swapping, the facts seem to show he never slept with another man’s wife but did offer to share his own wife with another man.

• Adam

A good man but problems with his wife. Also, one reference told of how his wife and he enjoy walking nude in the woods.

• Amos

Too backward and unpolished. With some seminary training, he might have promise but has a hang-up against wealthy people. Might fit in better in a poor congregation.

• David

The most promising leader of all until we discovered the affair he had with his neighbor’s wife.

• Deborah

Female

• Elijah

Prone to depression and collapses under pressure.

• Elisha

Reported to have lived with a single widow while at his former church.

• Hosea

A tender and loving pastor but the church members could never handle his wife’s occupation.

• Isaiah

On the fringe? Claims to have seen angels in church. He has trouble with his language.

• Jeremiah

Emotionally unstable, alarmist, negative, always lamenting things and reported to have taken a long trip to bury his underwear on the bank of a foreign river.

• Jesus

Has had popular times, but once when his church grew to 5000 he managed to offend them all and this church dwindled down to twelve people.

Seldom stays in one place very long. And, of course, he’s single.

• John

Says he is a Baptist, but definitely doesn’t dress like one. Has slept in the outdoors for months on end, has a weird diet, and provokes denominational leaders.

• Jonah

Refused God’s call into ministry until he was forced to obey when he was swallowed up by a great fish. He told us the fish later spit him out on the shore near here. We hung up.

• Joseph

A big thinker, but a braggart, believes he can interprets dreams, but he has a prison record.

• Moses

A modest and meek man, but poor communicator, even stuttering at times. Sometimes blows his stack and acts rashly. Some say he left an earlier church over a murder charge.

• Noah

He is a former pastorate of 120 years with not one single converts except his family. Prone to unrealistic building projects.

• Paul

Powerful CEO type leader and fascinating preacher. However, short on tact, unforgiving with younger ministers, harsh and has been known to preach all night.

• Peter

Too blue-collar. Has a bad temper—even has been known to curse. Had a big run-in with Paul in Antioch. Aggressive, but a loose cannon.

• Solomon

Great preacher but our parsonage would never hold all those wives!

• Timothy

Too young.

• Judas

His references are solid. A steady plodder. Conservative. Good connections. Knows how to handle money.

We’re inviting him to preach this Sunday. Possibilities here!

If you are not happy with any of the above candidates, then I bid you farewell and good luck with your search.

Jokes are taken from: My-Pastor.com